Friday, December 22, 2006

Special Envoy

Agent Bill of The Boneshakers has been in touch and made it abundantly clear that ToF is an organisation of Sooky la-las and powderpuffs who embark on dandy cruises only when conditions suit. The S.O.G was hardly in a position to argue as he sat on his vibrating massage chair, licking at some stawberry flavoured ice cream and complacently admiring his team of trained hamsters working away on his toe cheese. Agent Bill on the other hand was in the process of carving up the streets of Adelaide on a Friday night and downing large quantities of beer. Something which he claims to do every Friday night! Is it only me that finds this situation inherently fucked up? Tongue Of Fire is being out Tongued by a lone man on a chopper! T.o.F is being openly mocked by all and sundry on the streets of this town, streets that The Tongue used to own!! Streets that were awash with Tongue drippings!! WE are Tongue Of Fire! We must fight to recover our position at the very tippy tip top of the Chopper Pyramid!!! Therefore we must meet with the Boneshakers on a Friday night and show them how we do!!!! The S.O.G personally can't go next Friday as he is washing AND conditioning his hair but Friday 5th, 19th or 26th are possible. Who's up for it? The S.O.G will expect an overwhelming response via the usual channels of communication.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

How Can I Stay Mad at You

Do you remember the night nature’s gentleman was not such a gent? When Crash-Pad-P was lifted off his feet and almost went home a lady?

20 stitches and some tender healing time later he came back for more!. It took the two some time to reacquaint themselves with each it does after such a quarrel. Then a rather nervous C-Pad-P straddled the beast and put his money on the line and wobbled forth as u only can on natures gentleman. Back in saddle!!!

Monday, December 18, 2006


M-B Monkey esquire and his intrepid friend Curious George were beachward bond when they chanced upon a rear meeting with a fellow chopper building crew The BoneShakers. Where would such a monumentus meeting take place you may wonder. In a graveyard! where else. Check out the bikes they build man!!!! a official meeting of the tongue and these desperados will have to happen soon!

Is it a bird, is it a plane no its a......

Thursday, December 14, 2006

The Great Cosmic Scam

It probably comes as no suprise to those that know T.S.O.G (as much as one can know an Intergalactic Velodespot) that he is fond of round things. One of his favourite circular entities is the pizza. What he is not fond of is the Great Pizza Scam which is being perpetrated in Adelaide and possibly the rest of the universe. Every night huge quantities of pizza fail to make it to the table of the innocent pizza eaters. How so? Next time you order a pizza take note of its proported size in inches. So-called "family" pizzas are sold as 15inch diameter. Take out your trusty belt mounted retractable imperial/metric tape measure and take a reading at maximum diameter. Typically you will find your pizza, purchased in good faith, will be at LEAST one inch less than advertised. "So what?" you say "keep your horse hair lined diamond studded silk G-string on". Do the maths. Family size~ 7.5 inches x 7.5 inches x 3.14= 176.625 square inches
7.0 inches x 7.0 inches x 3.14= 153.86 square inches ~a difference of 22.765 square inches which equates to 13% of a 15 inch pizza. It is not uncommon that a"family" pizza will only be 13 inches in diameter. The missing portion (43.959 square inches) is a shocking 25%! Lets say that a thousand undersized pizzas get sold in one night thats 305 square FEET of pizza being embezzled from the honest hard working pizza loving public of this great state! Enough! Be ready with your measuring device! The perception that takeaway pizza orderers are apathetic couch dwellers that can't put up a fight must end! Stand beside The Supreme Overlord Gravox as we take the fight to these evil profiteering dough-mongers!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

party boy

I Love the smell of a tallbike in the morning....or the sight of a tallbike on a 42C day, cutting a fine figer on the condor. "bike bike"

tartan pants

Simple pleasure's such as a tight fitting pair of tartan pants and a chopper between your legs are not to be under rated if that Smile is anything to go by! Hot bay/bee your so HOT!

Skeletor Invitational

Will Skeletor be there? How many times has T.S.O.G. heard this? Yes, no, yes, possibly, who can say? Skeletor can fly through a Super Being's awareness like a sandfly through a mosquito net. Spotted here Mista Charisma sips on some lurid concoction while he reads the brainwaves of everyone in a 6km radius just as a normal person might flip through the Sunday Mail. T.S.O.G. suggests the best way of getting Skeletor on a ride (although by no means guaranteed) would be for The Elusive One himself to arrange it. Thusly it has been decreed now we sit back and wait.

Becoming ToF

Being relatively new to ToF I’m kurious as to what it takes to become ToF. How does one learn? Does it take long? Will it hurt? Much? Will I like it? And will it impact on one’s future employment prospects?

Whilst on an initial fleeting, yet piercing, glance there appears little that unites this motley crew of unhinged proportions, one needs only to scratch the surface, or alternatively wait for a ToF’r to conveniently remove her/his own epidermis, in order to glimpse and then probe, in a firm yet purposeful manner, at what lies beneath.

So, with no time to waste, dressed in a fabulous old skool Sherlock Holmes check inspired Kafkaesque kaftanesque number, and accompanied by the satisfying snap of rubber surgical gloves, a rope around my waist firmly tied to the edge of this blog and dropping crumbs to ensure a safe return, I mount the tall and ride forth…..

….to seek out what makes up ToF.

Guided by these questions and the results garnered from my extensive methodical and systematic quantitative and qualitative survey of one hundred I wish to take this opportunity to share my discoveries thus far and also call upon others with more hands-on experience and intimate knowledge to enrich this visceral and cognitive exploration. In no particular order, the following appear to be some of the key biological and sociological facets of becoming one with the ToF.

1. The ubiquitous machine; complete with name, personality, costume and/or customised assemblage of found, made or otherwise dubiously acquired artifacts (see No. 6).

2. Stories about the making, riding, crashing, breaking, remaking, riding, crashing etc. of said machine.

3. A beer in hand, in mind, in belly, in esky, in word, in plan, on trousers or in beer holder on aforementioned machine.

4. Scabs, scars, scrapes, lumps, stretched, stitched, ripped or otherwise missing bits (often closely related to No’s. 2 and 3).

5. Tools (in bag, on bike or on body) of assorted form and function for fixing ‘mechanicals’ and opening beer (See No’s. 1 and 3).

6. Eyes, devilishly alert and twitchy, on look-out for hard rubbish treasure and other abandoned or forsaken objects ‘with potential’ (see No.1).

7. A grin of inexplicable delight that makes one’s face ache for days after riding or watching others ride.

8. A fine and nuanced tacit knowledge cleaved at the intersection of the human condition and vehicular form (of which JG Ballard would be proud).

9. An impressive ability to withstand heat of gargantuan proportions and still think it a fine idea to cook with fire, ride through the deserted streets and drink beer.

10. (Perhaps matched only by) A superior and well honed ability to believe standing or lying on abovementioned machine whilst hurtling across busy intersections or down steep hills is a good idea despite because of consumption of aforesaid liquid and possibly heat damage (See No’s. 3 and 9).

11. A keen sense of balance (depending on No's 3, 4, 9 and 10) (and if not it assists in the development of No’s. 2 and 4).

12. Rubber bones and enhanced elastic skin properties (though some people are still developing this particular skill set) (see No's. 2 and 4).

13. A penchant for experimental creativity that finds outward expression in dressing up at any op, musical performance and acrobatic endeavours (see No’s. 2, 3 and 4).

uh oh. At that fortuitous number I find with horror I’m out of cake crumbs and at the end of my rope so I must hurry back.

Monday, December 11, 2006

MonkeyButt Phootas

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Devilish Hot

One for the hard men and women of TONGUE OF FIRE. The Anti-Christ himself had his clawed paw on the temperature dial and cranked it to 11. Helmets were used to protect against not only mind hackers but dead birds falling from the sky. Under the Tarp Maharl all the collective experience of The Dirty Dozen was put to the test in devising a plan to negotiate the hostile conditions. The plan: Ride to the closest pub. On arriving at the closest pub without any noticeable fatalities we decided to push on without even stopping for a beer! Pressing on through the stark and deserted streets of Hindmarsh The SupremeOverlord Gravox wondered if this might be a typical day, a bit on the cool side maybe, in our not too distant future as we continue to poison our planet with gay abandon. Surely there won't be enough cold beer save everyone. Our first survival station was the Jolly Miller. Out the back a little oasis welcomed us as did our host saying "you lot are welcome anytime". This strangely unfamiliar sentiment combined with the intense heat created an otherworldly atmosphere. Then it was off to the Wheatsheaf where once again we were welcomed. All this kind regard was making The Overlord's head spin which probabaly explains his lack of omnipotence on the pool table. Then Graham let everyone know if we didn't crank on to his place we were soft. Luckily the anti-radiation properties of Coopers were starting to take effect and the crew rolled on. Once at Graham's it was quickly ascertained his fridge contained a mini keg of Heineken which was duly commandeered by Mal Adjusted. Back at HQ we took a moment to enjoy the slight cooling of the planet before heading over to MeetyBites party under the protection of The Purple Avenger. Bonus points to Graham for powering the Colostomy across town in atomic heat, Kat for riding a three wheel tall in a kaftan and The Purple Avenger for keeping us safe from Mr Doof.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Space Madness

When the going gets hot Tongue of Fire gets extra hot. Before we take off from SpaceStation HQ be sure to gird your loins in factor 30 and hyper reflective foil as we will orbit close to the sun at temperatures of 7600 degrees celsius. Further protection in the form of water cannon and turbo-chilled BEER is advised. Don't forget space nutrition for the nuclear cooking plant.

The Bikes That Ate Bowden (Part 1)

Many people come on Tongue rides foolishly thinking they must dominate the machinery. Little do they know that Tongue bikes are more than just machines. Some have A.I. whilst all have strange powers that are spell-woven into the frames and componentry during the ritual pagan (read satanic) construction process. Unknown to neophite riders these "machines" are the ones in control. The best known perhaps are the bogan biting "French Horn", "The $2Deal" which must be considered good value with sprained ankle and broken wrist, the hand slicing "Moodswinger" and of course "Nature's Gentleman", a bike that believes riders are better behaved without testacles.