Matter

Tonight on ‘Gray-Matters’ we’ll be discussing one of the more delicate issue’s facing many of today’s young tonguers intending to attend the Saturday night bearded ride. “Facial Hair” or lack of rather- and hence the inability to grow a beard, a standard requirement on any bearded ride.
Many bewhiskered members of the tongue have been blessed with an abundance of this manliest of status cymbals; there must be something in the feeling of the wind in your beard, we have all seen their whiskers bristling with pleasure on those down hill descents, a perfect compliment to any feral hard rubbish chopper.
Though for those of us over whom the “yeti throw back gene” dose not have such a strong hold, there is hope. I have researched this problem, and there are a variety of options available to we barefaced ones. Instant crustiness can be purchased in the form of fake beards. There are a surprising number of Styles depending on how hard core you can handle the hairiness.

A Solid beginner’s beard choice would be the simple, no frills “Hillbilly Beard”.
The next step up and my personal recommendation, is the “Mountain Man Beard” which makes a great combination with the “Flaming Hamish”.
For those willing to go that little further try “The Full Cave Man Beard” which includes the full mono brow, ear and nasal hair onsomble, popular in turkey this season.
Last but not least is “The Super Deluxe- (and not to be tried by any clean shaven first timer) - Full Wooky Body Beard”…..Warning if attempted with anything but full commitment the results can be permanent and fatal!
A price will be given out on the night for best all round beard. Judges will be impressed mainly by size.